Yesterday was such an emotional day for me.
Heck! The last week! The last month sef! 2020 started nicely then 2 weeks in, life kinda got crazy. And it’s been constantly crazy…
In the midst of the crazy, an Elder revealed his use of words on a loved one. He was so broken & apologetic at this revelation as this incident took place years ago but the deed and damage was done. His spilling words in anger, fear and hurt led to a spiral of actions by this loved one. A once vibrant, talented, exuberant soul, tormented for years from hearing those words. I can’t imagine how twisted their soul got from this 😢
“I hate you”
“You’re a bastard!”
“ I wish I was never born”
“You will never see your grandkids”
“Go to hell”
I’m sure we are familiar with incidents where we spilled such words in angst.
You see the thing about words is that, it’s very relatable to the scenario of eggs being knocked out of their safety crates. The moment an egg hits the floor, it not only gets shattered, the contents within the shell spills out. Contents which can no longer be put back in the shell, whole.
Same with words.
Some words may be meant in jest – there is no smoke without fire.
Some words coming from a place of pain – resentment.
Some, just to ‘push your buttons’, to see how you’d react and how much crap you can take.
Some, in retaliation to previously spilled words.
Thing is, the receiver of said words, rolls these words over and over in their mind. Starts to doubt their place or rationale in this life. Starts to back-track the whole relationship, interpretes previously shared words in the light of this newly triggered exchange. They start to question the whole existence of all their interactions.
Regret sets in – was I that much of a doormat to have allowed this for so long without raising objections?
Resentment builds – everything we shared was a lie.
Walls get built – never would I allow another soul get that close.
Isolation and doubt – you become a recluse and begin to question your other seemingly healthy interactions.
Coping mechanisms – call it sarcasm, call it getting others before I get got, call it being bold and able to speak your mind. Hurt folks hurt people.
All these stemming from words used wrongly.
As a rule, when upset, I don’t speak in the moment. I may cry my eyes out, brood and “carry up” face till my emotions are better balanced. Then, have a hard conversation if possible.
I was told I hold things in – doing this. Told it was wrong. Talk about it, talk through it. I explained I couldn’t because with emotions in disarray, my tongue gets possessed by a drunken sailor. I hate to swallow my words. I’m deliberate in my use of words.
I have seen the effect of words on myself, the hurt I experienced. Nah, not the kind of hurt I would wish on another soul. I’ve watched the pain of other souls with words spilled on them and how it broke them silly. It hurt to feel their hurt , even looking from the outside in.
These are the reasons I try, try not to speak in emotional fugue states. I wait till the motions pass, when I’m more rational. I have failed at this sometimes though, and I can say the results were ugly. Nah, not cool. Bridges burnt that didn’t have to be.
I’m a believer that there are NO relationships gone past the point of repair – if all parties are willing to be vulnerable and open to healing.
Sometimes though, one can try. Try as hard as you desire, still nah.
Take those moments as reminders of the Power in words.
May my good, not be evil spoken about.
May my words heal.
May my words uplift and encourage.
May my life show and extend compassion.
May I be graceful even in pain.
May I be a place of peace…
Namaste
🙏
Moby's Heart Chronicles 